Thanks to Darin---- he captured this picture of me! Although, each time I look at it I laugh...I seem so peaceful and calm and put together. But, holy cow~!~! I am so not! I finally crashed and burned a couple of weekends ago, I thew my hands in the air and yelled "TIME OUT" My life has been in non-stop motion since June 14. I think I was doing great and motoring along beautifully, navigating though MS, family sicknesses, kids' schedules, church life and even the deaths of family members. The sudden death of my grandfather in June I believe is what has thrown me. I find myself replaying wise words from Dan. When I feel myself distant from God he always encourages me to think back on the last time I felt close God. Lately, I have been asking myself, when was the last time you felt you had it together. Each time I ask myself that, I go back to right before I had to leave for Portland for my grandfathers funeral.
I remember my mom calling me Wednesday morning and telling me that my grandpa was going to ER, they thought he had or might be having a heart attack. (this was something that has happened before, so was not really too worried) As the day progressed he went in for surgery and things went rapidly down hill. Into the night my mom would call and relay info to me that I could relay to my sister in Australia and by 3am I was frantically trying to book a flight online so I could try and see him before he passed away. A little while later I was packing and the phone rang and he was gone. From the time I left to go home until 2 weeks ago, I think I have just been in motion, burying thoughts and feelings and allowing life to keep my heart protected via softball/baseball/soccer/MS appts/school...(you fill in the blank). Slowly over the last 4 months, I have become something I have no desire to be. I have been so emotionless that I really didn't grasp totally and celebrate the incredible news of my MRI this year. When I look back at those things I think to myself..."what the hell is my problem"!! After thinking about this stuff for the last couple of weeks I think it is grief that I haven't yet really dealt with. Probably the eye opening moment for me was this last weekend. Dan had to fly back to Portland because his grandma is fading. She is 91 and is one the most precious women I have ever had the privilege of knowing. At one moment Dan had called me from her bedside and he relayed to her that I love her and I could hear here in her strained little voice echo the same words. A flood of emotion came over me that I would never have anticipated. I am so thankful that Dan was able to get there and see her and hold her and tell her one last time how much he loves her. In that moment I realized how much I have tried avoid feeling the loss of my grandparents. My grandparents were to me a second set of parents....they always lived within a mile or two and even for a time they lived with us. I have so many memories from quick trips to the store to my friends and I raiding there home friday nights after football games for grandpa to whip us all up homemade hot chocolate. Even the smallest of memories still hang in my heart. Ironing handkercheifs and grabbing the saccharine for grandma's coffee. I don't just have memories of holidays at my grandparents...We had meals together all the time. We shared life on pretty much a daily basis. I could look into the stands at any of my games or into the audience at any of my choir concerts and see them both. I can still hear their voices and the little things they would say. My grandpa and I were especially close and had a relationship that I will cherish all the days of my life. I could talk to him about anything and count on him for same. He was a man of his word and loved unconditionally. I think making myself come to a ceasing halt was the smartest thing for me. Though, I have many feelings I am wading through, I would rather feel the emotions....than feel out of control and in utter chaos just to avoid a weeping moment. So...stick with me while I get myself picked up and put together...and soon I will be posting a landslide of family pictures so you can all see just how busy I have kept myself!
3 comments:
Grief I think is the hardest thing in life to deal with...you either deal with it and it's hard or you push it away and it makes everything in your life harder...As I was reading your blog I was listening to this song by Carrie Underwood called "Lessons Learned". One of the lines is "I am thankful for every break in my heart". This is the ideal place that we all long to be in when we are hurting, but some of us choose to try and skip the grieving part. I will be playing that you find that place where you are thankful for every break in your heart that has happend this year. I love you Tina. We need to talk soon!
Tina, thanks for sharing. You are in my prayers each day. You look great by the way.
I think it has been hard on all of us to lose grandpa. Especially those of us who don't live close to the rest of the family. I am glad you have taken time to stop and reflect on your inner emotions. I will be praying for you.
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